i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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