Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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