I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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