Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Randomize
