Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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