no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
