You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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