Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
