Your mouth is God's brothel.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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