My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
