I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
