At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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