I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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