my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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