woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
