Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
