So gin and wine won't be happening again
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
