i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
