Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
