you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
