I want to make a zoo with you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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