I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
