My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
