I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
