shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
