just come out here and I will go home with you...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My life is pants optional.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
