I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
