my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
