Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
