I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
