when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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