My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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