You smell like stripper and shame
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
