So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
