I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
