Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
