Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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