I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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