Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
