remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
