I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
