I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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