but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
