i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
