it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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