You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I will be naked everywhere
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
