My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
