im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I will be naked everywhere
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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