sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
