someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
