I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
