I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
