Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
