Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
