"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
