The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
