Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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